List: This Summer’s Sucktacular Movies
Inside all of us moviegoers, there’s always an internal debate raging on what film to see next. And while the summertime is generally a time for many great movies and choices, it’s also a time when the studios decide to throw some of their worst ideas out in hopes of making some easy cash. I’ve decided to put together this handy little list of the movies you should plain avoid for the summer as well as reasons for why you should run fast from each. If you don’t agree or think I missed something, comment below.
Postal (5/23)
Reason: First and foremost, the director is Uwe Boll. I don’t know if many of you pay attention, but he doesn’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to making great movies. Oh you haven’t seen BloodRayne or BloodRayne 2 or House of the Dead? Maybe you should try checking your local video store’s bathroom where you can easily find his discography positioned next to the toilet. If your video store is more high class, you may even find a copy of BloodRayne positioned inside the urinal to help those with aiming difficulties.
Predicted Rating: 2/10 Super Suckiness
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Kung Fu Panda (6/06)
Reason: Considering when Dreamworks isn’t making an animated film called Shrek, it doesn’t have all that great of luck (or capability for that matter). You may remember a little film titled Shark Tale. That films recipe for success was to pile in as many big names as possible but make sure it contained no storyline and/or interesting content. Expect a rinse and repeat except this time with Jack Black in the leading role instead of Will Smith.
Predicted Rating: 4/10 Semi-Suck (although children will flock to this)
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The Love Guru (6/20)
Reason: Mike Myers is back and doing character roles a la Austin Powers. I’m going to go out on a whim (one I know is correct) and say that his character is a wretched looking ladies man. Oh wait, that wasn’t a whim but was just what I saw from the trailer. Personally, I think Myers has comedic ability, he’s just not trying for anything out of his comfort zone.
Predicted Rating: 3/10 El Suck
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Meet Dave (7/11)
Reason: Since Eddie Murphy seems to be in kamikaze career mode, I don’t know how much explaining I should really have to do for this. Murphy (whom we all know and love from such greats as Norbit and The Adventures of Pluto Nash) plays a group of aliens that lives inside a shell of, well, himself. I really think Murphy plays multiple roles in so many of these movies because no one else is willing to contribute their time to them. Hell, even if he was so great in Dreamgirls (which I think is overrated anyway), I don’t think he’s going to be able to redeem his abilities anytime soon. Even the free slurpees that 7-Eleven will give away on the release day can’t make up for this film.
Predicted Rating: 2/10 Super Suckiness
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Space Chimps (7/18)
Reason: Animated chimps that speak attempt to make their zany way to space! It’s going to be zany because Andy Samberg is one of the characters and he’s a zany guy. Or, maybe, it’s going to be terrible because it is a half-assed attempt at an animated comedy made by a little known animated firm (who made animated gem Happily N’Ever After). I mean I’m sure someone will laugh at rehased bits of comedy, but watching the trailer I can honestly say I didn’t laugh once.
Predicted Rating: 1/10 King Suck
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The House Bunny (8/22)
Reason: Anna Faris plays a dimwitted lead in a comedy about girls that just want to fit in. Hasn’t she played this role to pieces (i.e. Just Friends, Scary Movie)? Can’t she do anything else with her time in Hollywood? The sad thing is that when I made this list, I was thinking this is one of the movies I listed that has the best chances of turning out ok. That’s not to say it will, it just has a shot.
Predicted Rating: 4/10 Semi-Suck
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College (8/29)
Reason: The film is being described by the creators as a less intelligent Superbad with more raunchy humor and lots of toplessness. While I’m not opposed to the latter, I don’t think that transposes well into the world of “good films”. It appears as if the creators said “Superbad was successful. Can’t we do that too? No? Oh, let’s just throw in boobs!” Maybe that’s not exactly how the meeting went down, but I don’t expect it was much more high brow. In a field of college/school related comedies, this film will receive an “E” for extremely fucking bad idea.
Predicted Rating: 2/10 Super Suckiness
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Don’t agree with something I had on the list? Believe I missed out on a film that’s going to suck harder than your mom’s Oreck? Comment this post and let your voice be heard.
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