Intro to a Yet to Be Named Column
Editor’s Note: When Jason sent in this introduction to his yet to be named column, I had a hard time thinking of how I was going to introduce this to everyone. I knew I couldn’t just plop it on all you unsuspecting citizens and hope you’d follow along as he lead you like E.T. down a hall with Reeses Pieces. Instead, I assumed I would have to explain that Elliot was your friend and that it was OK. But as I sat thinking about it, I realized the harder I tried to put together the intro, the more fond I was of E.T. So, I chose to watch that instead. Due to that, you get this hastily flopped together intro that has no real rhyme or reason, but at least makes mention of the super delicious Reeses Pieces. But I know you wouldn’t expect anything more from us. So, without further adieu, here’s Jason’s Intro to a Yet to Be Named Column. Enjoy.
Where do I begin?
I know these two dudes who really heart movies. They actually heart them so much that they created a Web site allowing them to climb to the highest mountain top and shout it out to all the world. Figuratively speaking.
I, however, do not heart movies.
Don’t get me wrong, I watch and enjoy them, but I wouldn’t say I heart them. Heart is too strong a word. I’m not ready for that sort of commitment.
Imagine my surprise, then, when these two dudes asked me to start writing a regular column about movies. For months I fought off their advances with a combination of poor excuses and hand-to-hand combat techniques. But they just kept coming.
After a little thinking, though, I decided that their site is becoming popular enough that maybe just maybe I could end up rich out of this deal. So why the hell not?
There is a problem, though. My wife is currently a nine-month pregnant, ass-chewing machine. She’s due any day which means there won’t be a ton of time for me to sneak out and write reviews of Friday the 13th or Confessions of a Shopaholic.
So instead I’m going to take the lazy way out. I will stay in my own house, sit on my own couch, not pay a dime, and watch and review old movies. That’s right, why should I make you read a review of a movie you might want to see when I can make you read about a movie you’ve already seen 100 times?
I’ve been thinking about this for a few days now and have come to the conclusion that there needs to be a set of guidelines or loose rules that I follow. After all, I wouldn’t want to risk the integrity of I Heart Movies or The Sixth Sense, both of which have been around longer than you think and best enjoyed while drunk.
And here they are:
10 years or bust: I’ll only write about movies at least 10 years old or more. Within a decade, enough has happened that it’s worth going back and seeing if the movie still stands the test of time.
Spoiler alert: I will ruin the ending of every single movie I write about. Every one. If you haven’t managed to sneak in a viewing of Independence Day in the last 13 years then you probably never will and won’t care if I tell you that Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum fly into space and inject the alien mother ship with a virus that allows President Bill Pullman and Randy Quaid to bring those sons of bitches down!
The Wine Test: One of my criteria for rating a movie will be if it gets better with age. When I first watched Dumb & Dumber I laughed so hard I cried. I watched it last week on TBS and had the same reaction. That’s colossally important. The first time I watched Ace Venture: When Nature Calls I laughed until I cried, too. I watched it last week and cried so hard I laughed. That’s colossally bad.
No Fanboys: I don’t like fancy Internet jargon. I don’t send tweets and I don’t know what a fanboy is. I think they’re bad, though, so I don’t want them anywhere near me. I also will become the first person to ever write about movies who can honestly say he doesn’t like the following films: The Godfather, The Matrix, Taxi Driver, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and Kill Bill. I also detest the entire second half of Full Metal Jacket and anything that involves Tim Burton. You like characters with white faces. I get it, Tim. I get it.
The Jeff Goldblum Syndrome: I mentioned Mr. Goldblum earlier and he will serve as the namesake for another litmus test I will put these movies through. What happened to the actors’ and actresses’ careers after that particular movie? After Dumber & Dumber, Jim Carrey continued on the road of mega stardom. That’s a plus. After Independence Day, Jeff Goldblum seemed to disappear off the face of the earth. That’s a minus. Goldblum has spent more time in the last 16 years watching us poop than making good movies. That’s got to be a knock against Independence Day. Aliens did not do that man any favors.
Completely arbitrary rankings: I’m not a fan of traditional rating systems because they seem so baseless. What makes a movie eight stars instead of nine? What makes Ebert go with thumbs up or thumbs down? I’ll be tossing around random numbers like Drew Carey on Whose Line is it Anyway? I give this column six wheel barrows out of eight.
And that’s it. I expect over the next few columns we’ll all get to know each other a little better – I’ll find out you disagree with me. You’ll find out I don’t care. But most importantly you’ll discover that I am completely and utterly bias and that most of my points are without support or merit.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Stay tuned next week when Jason officially reviews his first movie: Jurassic Park
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Trevor Smiley
